Mens 3s Vs Winchester

Pre warning this match report is going to have you glued to the edge of your seats, there’s twists and there’s turns, there’s a scene that was a bit similar to Jude law in Enemy at the gate and like all good away trips there’s a nod to a couple of little fellas stuck on the side of the m3.
Sit back and enjoy.

It was Saturday the 20th of January, it was a cold but dry morning. The 3’s group chat was buzzing in anticipation for the 1030 decision if the game was going to be on. Lucky for you readers, it was and what a game it was about to be. A handful of the guys were happier than when Wonka saved the Oompa Loompas from the dreaded Whangdoodle on the side of the m3.

Away we went to Winchester who as it stands were top of the league with an impressive goal scoring record and an equally impressive crappy car park. The 3s not deterred by having to park a country mile away turned up with an el Classico style team with a few hidden gems and a late call up for little Phinn. Recently back from injury but showed the courage that his dad is infamous for.

With a rousing speech that only actor Sylvester Stallone could probably repeat captain Dave Johns got the team ready for the battle that was about to commence.

The game started quickly, with both teams attacking straight from the off. Portsmouth’s first shot on target was 2 great saves from the Winchester goalie in quick succession, little Phinn having his attempt denied by the goalies stick! So close but yet so far. Winchester struck first with a short corner drag attempt in the first 8 minutes. Unbeknownst to postman Jake Jolliffe everyone in the goal already knew it was coming in his direction it hit the backboard 1-0 Winchester.
3 minutes later a deadly pass from our slightly crippled centre back Adam (although if the wife asks, he wasn’t there) cut through Winchester. 3 passes later it was slotted home by Callum Gaskin.
1-1.

It was at this point Winchester knew they had a battle on their hands and in some respect Portsmouth knew they could get the win.

Chris Stone or as we in the know like to call him “the crash test dummy” slotted Portsmouths second after a goal mouth fumble. I’d like to call it majestic but I was at the other end of the pitch so who knows??

The 3s were hungry for more, the bit was between the teeth of every man out there. We had gained 50 more yards of no man’s land and it was glorious.

Mr Stone 5 mins from his first slotted home his second, it was cool, calm and collected. Portsmouth 3-1.

Adam Nicholls having been involved in every attack so far walked back into our own half like John Wayne without his horse, panting and claiming that he was gonna take it easy for a bit. (Spoiler he didn’t)

Now readers this is where it gets interesting.

The 3s didn’t realise that Winchester had employed the infamous Deadshot (not the Will Smith version because everyone knows you can’t talk about him or his wife) took aim and BANG, suddenly Stoney was down, headshot. However the hero that he is, he got back up, he wrapped his little painted nailed fingers around his hockey stick looked to the sky and muttered “not this time” the game continued.

Just before half time Winchester used the back of their stick not once but twice to stop, control, pass and then somehow a reverse back stick fumbled through goalie Ed’s body.
3-2.

Portsmouth offered nothing but positive advice to the umpiring decision.

Half time.

Again it was down to Captain Dave to muster his troops and get us ready for the next 35 minutes of war. Complaints were made about the umpires but steadfast Dave wasn’t having any of it, “They may make bad decisions but they will not take our spirit!”

Play resumed and to be honest it was 50/50 either way until the umpire awarded Winchester a short corner. The one and only Jake made a crucial tackle in the D nudging the ball away from a striker in his backswing, the umpire deemed he deliberately pushed the ball off the back line and a short corner was awarded.

Besides Jake’s light hearted attempt to tell the Umpire he was wrong it went ahead. The back 4 lined up, Ed said some stuff but as usual nobody listened. The push came out, the drag came in, Jake eyes closed somehow heroically managed to deflect the goal bound ball off the back line.

60 minutes in and tiredness was setting in for the travelling team, an even more tired Charlie Brazier missed a pass giving Winchester a perfect countering opportunity. They scored. Heads dropped, hearts sunk, has this game just gotten away from us. 3-3 with 10 minutes to go.
The game resumed and Portsmouth rallied, we pushed and with 5 minutes to go after another successful defence the ball went out to Dave on the left, he looked up, time slowed, he swung back and hit that ball harder than it had been hit before. Cracking pass through the middle of the pitch to an awaiting Callum, with skills that could only be described as eel like (slippery) he drove for the D, he shoots he scores, the entire pitch screamed. Portsmouth at the goal, Winchester at the fact they were 4-3 down with less than 5 to go!

The call was made to “park the bus” and get the 3 points. Now ladies and gentlemen that is not the end of this story.

Picture the scene, it’s the 69th minute, ironically Deadshot hit his target again, Stoney dropped quicker than a seagull on a bag of chips. His left knee taking the full force of a desperate attempt for Winchester to get the ball into the Portsmouth half. As a team we rallied behind our man and begged for him to be dragged off the pitch so we could see off the last 60 seconds of the game. After Stoney had rolled around for a few minutes and had made some questionable noises he finally hobbled off like the queen he is.

60 seconds later the game was done, the cheers went out. I’d like to say that every Portsmouth player dropped to their knees knowing we had won the day and battle was over but we didn’t, we barely had the energy to cheers the losers Winchester.

We partied in the showers, the music was blaring the mint shower gel was foaming. We were brothers in arms.

The match teas was a cheery affair, laughs where had, fun was made as Mr bump hobbled in patched up, bleeding, but with a smile on his face.

DoD went to the valiant Mr Stone.
Mom after a breathtaking round of rock paper scissors was awarded to Mr Jake Jolliffe.
Thank you for joining me on this journey and until next time, stay safe.